


The Talk

by flyingcrowbar



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Funny, Gen, Sex Education, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 10:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1979736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingcrowbar/pseuds/flyingcrowbar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Percy tells his mother that he and Annabeth have finally started dating, Sally takes it upon herself to sit him down and give The Talk. Percy is, rightfully, mortified.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't been giving my girl Sally enough screentime lately. This was much overdue. I don't really think this is NSFW, but... be careful? Medical terms used.

“Percy, it’s my duty as your mother to educate you about the female body and what to expect during intercourse.”

“Mom, I’m begging you… Please don’t do this to me.”

“Percy, get your head out of your hands and look at this diagram I drew you. I worked really hard on it.”

“No. Please. Kill me.”

“This is a learning opportunity!” She pried his fingers away from his eyes and Percy was forced to see the halved form of a cartoon woman on an easel in the middle of the living room.

“Oh Hades - take me now.”

Never did he think he would have to endure this after telling his mother that he and Annabeth had started dating. He expected a shrill shriek and a hug and a ‘It’s about time! What took so long?’ - which is what he got - but a line had been crossed. This had gone too far for his little, teenage brain to handle.

“Okay,” Sally said, pointing with a ruler. “So what we have here is the vagina. Say it with me: VA-GI-NA.”

“This can’t be happening.”

“Are you going to be mature about this?”

“No. No I’m not. Can I go now?”

“That makes me think you’re not ready for a serious relationship. If you can say the word ‘intercourse’ without so much as giggling, then I’ll know I’ve done my job.”

“You know what, that is probably the  _furthest_  thing from my mind right now.”

“Your father isn’t here to give you the talk, so it’s my responsibility. I can’t sleep well at night knowing my son still thinks girls pee out of their vagina.”

“Wait, they don’t?”

Sally sighed. “As I was saying…” She whipped the ruler against the figure. “VA-GI-NA.”

“I’m dead. I’ve died. This is the Fields of Punishment.” Percy shook his head in disbelief, just waiting for the nightmare to be over.

Sally flipped the page and Percy got a full, no-holds barred view of a cartoon vagina. “So here we are, viewing it from the bottom.”

He wanted nothing more than to sink into the couch cushions and suffocate to death. Instead, he picked up a pillow and screamed into it.

“Percy…”

His voice was muffled in the pillow. “Just get it over with.”

“If you get Annabeth pregnant because you didn’t listen, this will be on your shoulders, buddy. I haven’t even showed you the banana and the condom yet.”

“Mom…”

“You better be good to this girl! Because she’s way out of your league!”

Percy emerged from behind the soft shield, his eyebrows scrunched. “Who’s side are you even on?”

Sally circled the drawing with the ruler. “Learn it.”

“I see it already! Jeez, mom!”

“Then what’s this?”

“The… nipple.”

Sally snapped her ruler in half.

“I was joking! Relax!”

“How does that girl put up with you?”

“She loves me, I guess…”

Sally practically melted right there on the floor. “Aw! That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard!” She sounded like she was sixteen. Now who was the one being immature?

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it,” Percy said, trying his best not to blush.

“Okay,” Sally said, taking a deep breath to calm down. She pointed to the picture again. “Tell me what this is.”

“The  _VA-GI-NA_.”

“Good, now the clitoris is my favorite -”

“MOM!”


End file.
